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  • Writer's pictureThe Pie Iron Maiden

Agent Cooper's Damn Fine Camp Pie

Transcript of Agent Dale Cooper's communication to his assistant on March 28th, 1989.

Diane, 6:32 PM. Following the events of this past week, I found myself in need of some solitary reflection. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” In that spirit, and with Gordon’s blessing, I have decided to take a short sabbatical back to my old stomping grounds in the Poconos.

It's unseasonably warm here today. The mountain air is a tepid sixty-six degrees. At this moment, I am summoning the skills I acquired as an Eagle Scout and preparing to cook what is sure to be a damn fine campfire pie. I find it fascinating, Diane; how the mind and body can guide you through tasks not performed in decades, like riding a bike, is what they say.

Diane, 7:23 pm. The camp pie, or jaffle as they are known in Australia, was a resounding success! Thoreau would have appreciated the elegant simplicity of a classic camp pie made from just white bread and canned pie filling. However, my need for additional protein and calories while roughing it has moved me to modify the recipe. I have replaced white bread with crescent roll dough and added some protein-rich ricotta cheese to the tart yet sweet, canned cherry pie filling.

The pièce de résistance, Diane, came quite by accident. As you know, I always prefer to have my pie with a cup of strong black coffee. I decided to reheat some coffee in a pot over the fire. As my attention was focused on finding the perfect white-hot coals on which to cook my pie, the coffee began to boil and was at risk of burning. Thinking quickly, I added sugar to the boiling joe and let it simmer until it was as thick as Texas oil. I poured that viscous brew right over my camp pie, and the results were delightful. Diane, I'm not ashamed to say I made three more pies after that.


I will retire soon with a full belly and a clear mind. I can only hope my dreams won’t be as fraught tonight. I hear an owl in the distance.



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